I think I have erred this long because instead of getting to know you, I chose to pretend I already knew you.
The truth however is, I really didn’t know you. It was impossible to fathom your love or why you would give it to a stubborn like me. Everywhere I went to find comfort and a way to relate to you, I was deceived.
After moving from gatherings to gatherings I started to realize most of the words that proceeded from the mouth of the saints were mere words with no meaning. It was a damn religious circle and I was done with it.
I really was sick of it all Lord. So, I gave up. I didn’t mean to quit but something in me had seen enough and I didn’t want to be a part of the whole charade. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I ran. Further and further from your people and also from You.
I ran right back to the mud you brought me from. I ran back to the familiar. I ran back to a system that was real and thriving and even though it didn’t fill the void I felt on the inside of me, it numbed the pain.
It was easier to stay home on Sunday mornings than gather with a set of people who couldn’t understand why I didn’t fit in or who looked down their noses at me when I wore something they considered ‘unholy’ to the ‘house of God.’In all, it was great I was pushed out. It was great I stayed away from all the drama, stories, lies, greed, judgment and what not that pervaded ‘your house.’ Above it all, it was great I started to feel empty again.
As I grow in knowing you Jesus, I realize that more and more of my authentic self begins to emerge. I realize that it’s not so hard forgiving those who have hurt me. I realize that I don’t have to be like everyone else or judge people. All I need to do is accept your love, your gift of salvation and rest in it.
Today I say thank you. Thank you for staying with me like you said you would. Thank you for your Spirit that leads and guides me into all truth and continues to lead me even when I insist on holding on to a lie. Thank you for not allowing me die before my time. Thank you for the hope and assurance in my heart. Thank you for helping me develop a stronger sense of purpose.
Thank you for your blood that speaks better things than the blood of bulls or goats (my mind is still trying to comprehend what all that slaughtering was about back then though) lol.I am coming back to the heart of worship Jesus and it’s always been about you.