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Hi NGTrends Readers,
My name is Amaka, I’m nineteen. I have been a victim of rape all my life. It started in Nigeria and it continued here in the US after we relocated (We – my mom and myself) I am an only child and I never knew my father. I’ve been through some therapy and I have done some great work through one particular organization here in the US, but I’ve never written my story. I guess it’s about time even though I’m really scared.
The first instance of abuse in my life occurred when I was two. I remember being in the car, afraid to go to my relatives’ house, just dreading it. I remember walking down the stairs and going in the bathroom. It hurt so badly when I peed. My cousin, had told me not to tell, but the pain won out, and I called my mother into the bathroom. I’m not really sure what happened after that (my mom has a lot of interesting differing stories). All I know is that I never saw my cousin again, except in my nightmares. I do remember being on his bed, but I’ve never talked about that and I don’t think I’m ready.
She tells me that she sent me to a child psychologist. He told her that incest wasn’t important. I wouldn’t remember and it definitely wouldn’t affect me. We did play some sort of memory game, though … so I would forget. But I loved the memory game so much that it was the thing that triggered my memories to come years later and that was when I began to remember… My cousin would sneak into my room late at night (my mom rarely left us alone cause she was afraid he would abuse me but he still found his ways), at least three to four times a night. At least one or two of those times he would rape me. And he raped me both ways … anally and otherwise. I remember that he would choke me until I couldn’t make any noise and I think I passed out once or twice. Now I have a great problem dating and guy, they disgust me so much now. I know I am just 19 but I am so scared I will continue this way. I hate talking to guys. I just love being on my own. I need a way out of this pain, I do not know who to turn to, I feel so alone in this. Please I need your advice. Thank you